ragdoll_baby (ragdoll_baby) wrote,

oooooh, i remember this day!

i just found this in my old, old journal. it still makes sense. and it still makes me feel the same. tis crazy. grrrrrrrr...

it's also funny how the thing that used to make certain things so appealing can also be the downfall of their appeal. i saw him again today. on the street. we chatted, then went into gloria jeans and chatted more. he wanted to go to the movies but i didn't want to so he said he was gonna go to work. i didn't want him to, so we chatted a bit more on the street. then he left and said he'd think of a place where we could go and give me a call. he rang. he was still wanting the movies. so we went. i dun know what we saw. he got us free tickets. didn't even sit down. stood behind that wall thing at the back of the cinema and picked up and shit. then ended up in the mens toilets. then said goodbye. he said 'i want you to say goodbye' and i said 'forever?' and he said 'till the end of the year'. he said he wants to do stuff with me but doesn't. and doesn't think i want to either. he called me twice after he left. to see if i was ok. he said i have to help him make sure npthing happens again, and that we stay friends. crazily enough, i think i'm actually gonna try and make sure it doesn't. i love him so much, but i dun wanna hurt him. he said he doesn't hate me.

i sent him this message -
:goodbye to you. goodbye to everything that i knew. you were the one i loved. the one thing that i tried to hold onto<<michelle branch: thought i'd say goodbye the same way i said hello - crazy message. i do wanna be friends. i just know it's gonna be odd for a while. *meow*. jae x the *meow* is because i keep making cat noises lately and he started doing them too. was so cute. i nearly cried. he knew. feel like shit, but almost relieved. like if he said nothing will happen there's no point hoping it will. if it does - good. if not... we're mates. well, kinda. will be strange as fuck but meh... also messaged pat this morning. his said - i'm sorry for the position that always running to you about sg put you in. i honestly had no idea how rude and naive i was. i do now :-/ i'm so sorry pat. jae x he replied - thats ok so yeah. hope it is. for the first time in so long - i'm on the right side of both sg and pat, on the same day. i'm usually fighting with/being ignored by one or the other... often both. should go. mens toilets stink. oh yeah, the 'appeal' thing was that it's wrong. used to make it fun. now it makes it scary. he said i've grown up. that i seem older. that i've changed. that he can see it but i can't. i dunno.
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